Jokes.................

that's because i hate cats

Difference between dog & cat:

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary. ..

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 PM - Oooh, Bath . Bummer.
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

You know you are Serbian when...

On your own wedding you know only a third of your 350 guests.
Every wedding begins with the folk song "Mother, you're son is getting married today".
The father calles you "an idiot" when you're not able to do something he's also not able to do.
You have more alcohol in your house than the bar in your street.
You have at least one relative with whom your family doesn't speak.
People thank you if you slow down your car and let them cross the street at the pedestrian crossing.
You have a calendar with pictures of saints.
You make jokes based on your own tragedy.
You don't speak to your godfather, but you don't remember the reason.
You have at least one relative who makes his own alcohol schnapps.
You believe in almost every conspiracy theory.
You're mom tought you that standing at the window draft will kill you.
Alchol schnapps are used for the treatment of diseases, for celebrations, for sorrow and as a massage lotion.
Your grandmother never accept the fact that you're not hungry.
When you meet a stranger, you first learn them all the curse words.
You're told you'll grow a tail if you drink coffee when you're little.
You were threatened with the "Boogey-old woman" when you were a kid.
You simply have to cover your stomach with a blanket when you have an afternoon nap.
Your mom has all the medicines that she "might need" one day.
When you spill something your mom calls you a pig.
Mom told you not to drink cold water when you're sweaty.
The parents constantly tell you :"... when I was in your age ... "
Your parents yell on the phone when they're talking with relatives that live far away.
For your birthday people pull your ears to make you grow.
Parents call you "son" no matter whether you're a boy or girl.
You do not have a job, but you're driving a BMW.
When you're drunk and cheerful you're hitting the table and breaking glasses and bottles.
The sentence: "Don't laugh so much, because later you will cry" sounds reasonable to you.
Your mother is saying "Thank God" every two minutes.
You're reading this to your parents and they're saying "it's not true at all".
You're told you'll go blind if you sit near the TV.
You're told that the beating stick has come from heaven.
Your mom makes you wear the sweatshirt under your T-shirt.
When you get gifts that you don't like, you keep them and give them to someone else at first occasion.
DVD, video, printer and scanner are covered by the foil, to keep from dust.
All weddings are the same menu: soup, sarma, roast, cabbage salad and cake.
"Girls" around you that seem 23, in fact are15 years old.
You drive a better car than your father.
In the garage you have about 120 gallons of brandy and half a ton of rubble.
Almost everyone you know snores.
Your grandmother curse more than you.
Both your parents had to walk at least 5km to their school, through snow, rain, storm and rocks.
Your mom's thinks a thin slice of bread is 5cm wide.
Everyone has at least 10 godfathers.
You have at least one relative who is a handyman.
Loaf of bread lasts one lunch.
Shnaps are drank before breakfast, because of vascular circulation.
You live with you're parents 'till you're 30.
You have wool socks that your grandmother made for you.
If you are an older child, you always have to let your younger brothers be right because you are "smarter".
If you cry, you father says "Stop whining like a little girl!"
Your parents change the channel when the kissing scene is on TV.
Whenever your parents say "We'll see" - it's not going to happen.
Your relatives are constantly complaining that they have no money and yet they had a mobile phone 3 years before you did, they're constantly traveling overseas and wear only designer clothes.
When you see a dog on the street you pick the rock, just in case if he attacks you, even when the dog is only 10cm high.
Your grandfather tells you his childhood adventures.
When you're a kid people asks you: "Whom you love more, mom or dad?"
When you're being bad parents compare you with "good" children next door. When you make the opposite comparison, they are "not interested in other children".
When your parents say "As long as you live in my house, you'll do what I tell you to".
You never read use instructions no matter how complex the device is.
At least once you have jumped out of public transportation, to avoid controllers.
When you listen to "cock-and-bull story" that has nothing to do with hunting.
When your father believes calling a proffesional handyman means that he addmits that he is a woosy.
You have been stuck in an elevator at least once in your life.
For every "Why?" there is "F*** it".
A beggar approaches you on the street with an empty bottle of brandy, to seek money for bread.
"I will be late only 5 minutes".
You make a promise to start something you need to do - first thing at monday.
You call "brother" everyone you talk to, no matter who they are.
You're aware that this is funny only if you're a Serbian, when you try to translate it to a stranger, they will think you're exagerating .

good one^